I am very pleased to report that the Isle of Man Space Agency today announced plans to build the world’s first Space Elevator. Details can be found here. According to the news release, the Isle of Man will be partnering with Fox News in this effort. Rupert Murdoch is quoted as saying “We have won the ratings race on this planet. We want to be the first news organization on both the moon and Mars and ensure our supremacy there, too. Rush Limbaugh will head up the Moon division and Bill O’Reilly will be in charge of the Mars branch and a Space Elevator is the only device powerful enough to lift their egos off of the planet.”
President Barack Obama praised the move saying “This is proof that my new NASA policy is already paying dividends. I urge Congress to pass legislation to ensure that all workers on the Space Elevator, including illegal immigrants, will have health insurance.”
In response, MSNBC issued a press announcement stating “Fox News cannot be allowed to monopolize the ‘space-waves’. Though we admit that even a Space Elevator is not powerful enough to lift Keith Olbermann’s ego, we will work to find a solution that can. We call on President Obama and Congress to overcome Republican objections and repeal the Law of Gravity, thus ensuring a fair and level playing field for all.”
Osama Bin Laden issued an audio tape promising to build his own Space Elevator, which he will name the “Tower of Terror”. “You don’t need gravity to behead people” he is quoted as saying. He also announced plans to build a space station several thousand miles up on the tower and use it to drop infidels to their death. “Their screaming as they burn up in the atmosphere should make a lovely sound” he said. The Disney Corporation immediately announced their intention to sue Bin Laden over the use of the name ‘Tower of Terror’ and, in response, Bin Laden issued a fatwa calling on Muslims to kill Buzz Lightyear as a ‘holy duty’.
The Pope hailed the opening of the new frontiers by saying “We’ve been having difficulty in moving some of our priests and being able to send them to the moon and Mars is a perfect solution for us.”
North Korea immediately denounced the move stating in an official press release; “Our Beloved Leader is mobilizing our armed forces to fiercely repel any attacks from the Space Elevator. ‘We will deal a decisive and final blow to any and all Elevator invaders!’” he is quoted as saying.
And finally, Sarah Palin is lobbying to become the United States of America’s first ambassador to the Space Elevator saying that “I can see both the moon and Mars from my house.”